I had already been through years of my own therapy as well as therapy training. I had already worked through issues of physical and emotional abuse, the trauma of escaping from Communist China, racism, pre-cancerous malignancy, and two childhood respiratory illness in which I nearly died.
One more thing was almost more than I could bear!
Yet, I forced myself to be brutally honest. I had to admit that something was still missing in my life. Here I was a therapist, encouraging my clients to be true to themselves. And, I so didn’t want to know.
The irony of this was not lost on me!
I finally screwed up my courage and made that fateful call to my clinical supervisor.
I was fortunate to have a supervisor that had also been my therapist for 20 years. She was also a certified hypnotherapist. I asked her to take me into a hypnotic trance to see what I remembered.
To my horror, I remembered everything! I was only 4 years old when it started.
It was so surreal, like it hadn’t happened to me, and at the same time I knew it had. I not only pictured everything, I felt the stark terror, I felt my skin crawl as he touched me, and I felt the shame, my face burning red hot. When I came back into consciousness, I wanted to deny all of it.
My therapist wouldn’t let me get away with denial. In so doing, she saved my life!
Before I even spoke, she made me look her straight in the eye, and said, ” I know that you want to deny this. Who wouldn’t? But, you’ve come so far, so I’m going to tell you something I’ve always known about you, but never told you before. This is the perfect time.” She continued, “You do something involuntarily right before you regress and have a memory. Your mouth twitches, and you’re not even aware of it. You have done this in all the years that I have worked with you.”
I’m sure I must have been in a state of shock. She said, “The reason I’m telling you now is so that you have validation that this happened. This may be the only validation you get.”
So began my long process with healing from sexual trauma. This memory not only changed me, it changed the way I worked with clients. I understood some of my fears about relationships and sex. I understood how I intuitively knew how to work with my clients. I really understood what they were going through, and at the same time, they couldn’t get away with saying, “You don’t understand.”
Because I did.
Please share your trauma stories and healings with me.